強くなるため

I've been told my whole life that I'm smart, that I'm gifted, whatever. But more than ever, lately I feel like it really doesn't mean anything at all. Being the smartest person in the world wouldn't matter as long as someone has no work ethic whatsoever. Very little has the same crippling affect on me as a large project or paper. Nothing quite makes me want to cry for a week like knowing I've disappointed someone because I couldn't make myself focus or care about my work.

Everyday I feel more like I don't deserve the life I am living. I don't deserve the vacations, or the allowance, or the top 10 public college, or the freedom to choose a major that's enjoyable rather than practical. I don't deserve the friends who are already accomplishing more than I may accomplish in my entire life, and I certainly don't deserve their support and comfort when I start feeling this way.

So my goal for right now is not to magically become a straight-A student overnight, but to at least become a hardworking one. I can't give back all the gifts I've been given whether I've deserved them or not, so the only thing I can do is try to make myself worthy.

The Meaning of Music

If someone asked me how I felt about music, I'd most likely say that music is really important to me, but lately I've been thinking about whether or not that's really true. I've always known that I don't seem to have the same frantic need for noise as other people. I don't twitch whenever I'm separated from my iPod. (In fact, I frequently misplace it for weeks at a time.) I don't feel the need to listen to music when I'm walking, riding the bus, studying, or just sitting around. It's not that I mind having music on, I just don't ever really think about turning it on.

Since thinking about that, and noticing that a lot of my friends are getting into last.fm and all, I've tried to be a little more conscious of the times when I'm sitting in silence, and I'm trying to listen to music more. I am really amused by how diverse everyone's tastes (including mine!) are, even though I've always known that. I guess it's just a little funnier to see that some people listen to different types of music back to back? I don't really tend to do that unless I have some kind of theme going on with my playlist, but I don't tend to make playlists in the first place. But I do think that Japanese music tends to have more variety within an artist or an album just because they don't get as caught up in genre and intended audience, I guess. I kinda like that freedom to just do what you want without having to have a big image change or risk alienating fans.

Hmm... I'll leave you with a tongue-twister!

にわの庭には二羽の鶏は俄かに鰐を食べた
(Niwa no niwa ni wa niwa no niwatori wa niwaka ni wani wo tabeta)
(In (Mr) Niwa's garden, two chickens suddenly ate a crocodile.)

Bye~